People always tell me they see me mad all the time. They tell me I should smile more, but the thing is, I don’t really like to smile. Of course I smile when I am actually happy, but like any other person, I’m not happy all the time, and I have noticed that the moments that I’m sincerely happy are limited. I realised that the only moments that I’m happy are when I’m with other people that I like, such as my girlfriend, friends, and family. But when I’m alone, I’m just not happy, and the worst part is that I love being alone most of the time.
When I’m alone, for example walking on the hallway, I always think about things that not necessarily make me mad, but they don’t make me happy either, but since the natural expression of my face makes me look mad (my eyebrows are to straight) people think that I’m mad all the time, which is not true. Mr. Topf, a teacher at my school to whom I have a lot of confidence, asked me what was wrong, when absolutely nothing was wrong. He told me that I looked mad, that I should smile more, and then I told him that I didn’t like to smile when I’m not actually happy. I don’t want to pretend something that I’m not actually feeling. If I’m not happy, I don’t want people to think I am, and this doesn’t mean that I want to transmit my bitterness to other people, I just don’t want them to think I’m happy when I’m not. I believe it makes me look fake. I don’t know why, but I also believe that it makes me look weak and vulnerable.
Honestly, I don’t consider myself a happy person, but I’m working on it. Reaching happiness is not easy. I don’t consider myself a depressed person either anymore. I’m just not happy, and I believe that’s fine, because as I said, reaching happiness is not easy, it’s something you're constantly working on. But I do believe that my depression brought me down a lot, and I have to work harder to get back what I lost. This is a short blog post because honestly I wasn’t planning on writing about this, but it was something that I couldn’t stop thinking about. I know I have to work hard to be able to be happy, but I need a starting point, and as much as I don’t like it, I know that the first step is smiling more.
When I’m alone, for example walking on the hallway, I always think about things that not necessarily make me mad, but they don’t make me happy either, but since the natural expression of my face makes me look mad (my eyebrows are to straight) people think that I’m mad all the time, which is not true. Mr. Topf, a teacher at my school to whom I have a lot of confidence, asked me what was wrong, when absolutely nothing was wrong. He told me that I looked mad, that I should smile more, and then I told him that I didn’t like to smile when I’m not actually happy. I don’t want to pretend something that I’m not actually feeling. If I’m not happy, I don’t want people to think I am, and this doesn’t mean that I want to transmit my bitterness to other people, I just don’t want them to think I’m happy when I’m not. I believe it makes me look fake. I don’t know why, but I also believe that it makes me look weak and vulnerable.
Honestly, I don’t consider myself a happy person, but I’m working on it. Reaching happiness is not easy. I don’t consider myself a depressed person either anymore. I’m just not happy, and I believe that’s fine, because as I said, reaching happiness is not easy, it’s something you're constantly working on. But I do believe that my depression brought me down a lot, and I have to work harder to get back what I lost. This is a short blog post because honestly I wasn’t planning on writing about this, but it was something that I couldn’t stop thinking about. I know I have to work hard to be able to be happy, but I need a starting point, and as much as I don’t like it, I know that the first step is smiling more.